Crossed Arms and Other Bad Body Language Habits

A few days ago, I was preparing for a presentation with my team. We started practicing our slides in front of each other and noticed that every single one of us had something that we do when we get nervous. One person bites their nails, another guy scratches his face and I play with my hair. I am grateful that we were comfortable with pointing out these gestures to each other.

The next day, I decided to put my hair up in a bun to prevent me from playing with it. I presented in front of my colleague and she said that although my hair was up, I still found a loose strand and reached for it. The craziest part is that I don’t recall doing any of this while I presented. Some of our body movements become so habitual that our brain ceases to pay attention to them, but that doesn’t mean that others don’t notice.

It’s  important to avoid gestures that might result in distracting someone from what you are saying or give a negative perception of you. You don’t need to be a decoding expert to interpret bad body language habits. Are you victim to any of these common ones?

1. Crossed Arms – often associated with being defensive. The arm-gripping gesture may occur if a person is feeling insecure or nervous. It is a form of self-hugging for comfort (i.e. can be seen in doctors’ office waiting rooms). When I’ve noticed a friend of mine doing it, she denied that it has anything to do with being defensive and said she was just comfortable. While it is still a possibility, sometimes the body gestures that feel most comfortable to us are a reflection of an internal state that we are not even aware of yet ourselves. Avoid this gesture and try to have open body language when communicating with others. (Unless of course you are cold.  In that case, hug yourself as much as needed)

2. Looking Down – Can be interpreted as boredom or slight arrogance. I’ve noticed that a person who is feeling shy in a particular social setting may feel uncomfortable making eye contact. Although they don’t actually have bad intentions, others tend to interpret it as something negative.

3. Time checking – the ultimate sign of disinterest. Avoid checking the time when speaking to someone unless they asked you what time it is.

4. Fidgeting – just like my bad hair-playing presentation habit, it’s distracting. Any kind of unnecessary movement will take away attention from what you are trying to communicate.

5. Multi-tasking – In the current state of technology, I should’ve put this as number one. There is nothing more annoying than when a friend takes out their phone to text...or worse..check Facebook or other social media during dinner. You might consider yourself a multi-tasking world champion but others don’t care about how good you are at it. It’s just rude. Give them the uninterrupted attention they deserve and they will only respect you more for it. You can update your Facebook status on your way to the bathroom.

     As a self-awareness exercise, you can ask your friends if you have any particular “ticks” or body movements that they have observed in you. Make sure that none of your gestures are distracting or result in others forming a negative opinion of you.

Happy D-coding,

Darya

learning deception from a three-year-old

A friend of mine showed me this video a little while ago. If you haven't already seen it, it's worth a watch just because kids are usually best at not being able to hide their body language even if they are trying. Note how John looks away from the camera several times when repeating the lie, but gets better at eye contact throughout the video. As we are older, we get better at keeping eye contact when lying, and that's why a lie is often associated with more eye contact than usual.

 The best line is "it's not empty". I'm sure everyone has had a moment of being caught in a lie and trying to reason on a technicality. Whether you were 3 or 33.

Read my full article on clues to deception here.

Not All Smiles are Created Equal

Which of these two smiles looks more genuine? 

                                    A.                                                   B.

One of the first things I noticed when I immigrated to Canada is how much Canadians smile. Not only do they smile, nearly everyone's smile reveals perfect teeth. North Americans are willing to spend thousands of dollars on orthodontics because smiling is just so darn important here. Wearing braces is something that has become part of teenage life. Almost like a rite-of-passage.  

Given how heavily perfect teeth and smiling are valued, without a doubt smiling is often associated with like ability and openness. This is true all around the world. However, not all smiles are created equal.

Since smiling is such a popular part of communication, we are most comfortable concealing negative emotions with a smile.

The answer to the first question is A. The genuine smile is one that engages the whole face. It's usually reflected in the eyes tightening around the eyes, that's where the saying "smiling with your eyes" comes from. You can see more crow's feet wrinkles around my eyes in A than in B. Generally, a longer, more intense smile indicates a genuine one.

Here are some examples of most commonly used smiles with explanations of the true emotions they are communicating:

1. Fear Smile - a fear emotion (as can be seen from the slightly raised eyebrows) is combined with a rectangular stretch of the risorious muscle pulling the lips horizontally to the ears. This sometimes tilts the lips upward, making them resemble a smile.

2. Contempt smile - tightened lip corners, slight angling and a bit of a dimple can confuse someone into thinking it's a smile

3. Dampened smile - Used when someone feels very positive emotions but tries to reduce their appearance. Lips are more pressed and lip corners are pulled down..but the smile still shows through.

4. Sad smile - follows a negative emotion and is usually asymmetrical

5. Seductive smile - head is tilted, eyes are softened and looking out of the corner of the eyes

Turns out that smiling doesn't only communicate happiness and appreciation. The trick is to pay attention to the upper part of the face in addition to the mouth in order to interpret what the smile is really saying.

Now you can even take Facebook stalking to the next level by trying to interpret what kinds of smiles your friends have.

Happy D-coding,

Darya

Sources:

Ekman, Paul. Telling Lies: Clues to Deceit in the Marketplace, Politics, and Marriage. W.W. Norton & Company, © 2001. New York, N.Y.
 

The Sydney Morning Herald. The face value of a smile. Oct 2010 <http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/the-face-value-of-a-smile-20101022-16wp5.html>

8 Body Language Traps to Avoid

Happy Sunday!

I came across a great article today about career body language mistakes that go from handshakes (which I've already covered in detail) to nodding too much. Check it out for a great summary of body gestures that we often overlook that speak volumes about us to others.

My favourite tip was how women often tend to "over condense" their bodies by crossing their legs and keeping their elbows on their sides. High status men tend to do the opposite, and as a result women subconsciously communicate low confidence and status in professional environments.

Happy D-coding,
Darya

What’s In a Handshake?

How many handshakes do you give in day? A month? A year? A handshake can say a lot more about you than you think. Ever wonder where the saying “having the upper hand” comes from? This month I’ve been looking into what kind of “power” messages various handshakes communicate.

Most people tend to forget how important it is to make the right impression with a handshake. A handshake can guide someone in making a conclusion about your personality, what kind of status you hold or how much power you have.

Some of the best examples of how important a handshake is when demonstrating power can be drawn from politicians. Here is an amazing four-minute video clip that shows several politicians adjusting their body language in order to have the “upper hand” in a handshake and to demonstrate their power. My favourite one is Hilary Clinton’s “not-so-subtle” photo preparation manoeuvre.

The Basic Power Rules of a Handshake:

1.       The hand that is on top usually has the power.

2.       Tapping the person on the back while you shake their hand re-establishes your power once again.

3.       The last person through a door usually has the power (often seen in politics).

4.       If taking a photo of you shaking hands with someone, you need to be on their right side to “have the upper hand”.

How To Shift the Power of a Handshake:

If you see someone else having “the upper hand” while shaking hands with you, there are several things you can do to change the situation.

1.       If you see someone reaching out for a handshake with their palm facing down, use the “step-to-the-right” technique. Step forward with your left foot (this might feel unnatural and needs practice, since 90% of people step with their right foot first), then step forward with your right foot, then bring your left foot to where your right foot is. As you are doing this, you will be able to turn the handshake vertically and establish power through being closer to the other person’s personal space.

2.       If this is someone that you are closer with, you can put your second palm on top of their palm to re-establish power.

3.       If you are being dominated in a handshake and don’t want to, you can try to create equality by turning the other persons hand vertically so that their hand is no longer on top of yours. (You need to judge the situation because it might come off as too aggressive).

Handshake Mistakes:

People don’t usually think all that much about what their handshake says about them. I hope you don’t recognize your own handshake in this list. If you do, now you know how to fix it.

1.       The “wet fish” – a handshake without any grip that can be associated with weak character

2.       The “bone crasher” – a handshake so firm it imprints marks in your finger bones. Negatively associated with a dominant personality.

3.       The “Finger- Tip Grab” – if someone accidentally shakes hands this way with you, casually say something like “let’s do that again” and give them a full handshake. This shows the person that you respect them enough to give them a proper handshake.

It’s amazing how much can be communicated in just a couple of seconds. May yours handshake always say about you exactly what you want it to.

Happy D-coding,

Darya

Source: Pease, Allan and Barbara. The Definitive Book of Body Language. Bantam Dell, New York, New York. 2004

Don't Be Fooled by a Fake Review

With the increase of companies paying people to give them positive reviews in social media, I thought this would be quite handy. This example is helpful in determining whether or not a review is authentic.

How to Win Your Crush Over: The Body Language of Attraction

In celebration of Valentine’s Day I thought I’d do a post about attraction. What is it that makes certain people more likeable than others?

Through some research I was able to compile a list of things that naturally attract us to other people. Even if you already have a significant other, these tips are sure to reduce awkwardness in social situations:

1.   The Power of Touch: studies show that people become more comfortable around those that they come into body contact with. It could be as simple as brushing them with your left hand while shaking  their right hand, or by brushing hands with them while passing them an object.(Don't abuse this if you don't want to be seen as a creeper)
2. Open Body Language: this includes avoiding crossing your arms and facing the person you are communicating with.
3.  Don’t use objects to block your body: To appear more open and welcoming during a conversation avoid clutching your purse in front of you or keeping a coffee cup in front of you at a coffee date. Try keeping it on the side so that your torso is open toward the person you are speaking to.
4. Get your crush to do a favour for you: You know from yourself that when you do something nice for someone it makes you feel good. Psychologically, it makes you like the person you are doing the favour for (within limits of course) because you think “wow, this someone must be really special to me because I am spending time helping them”. Make your crush feel the same way.
5. Laugh and smile: Studies show that women laugh more with men they’re attracted to and men are attracted to women who laugh at their jokes. Men are more attracted to women who smile.
6.  Mirror the body language: When people get to know each other better, they tend to start mimicking each other’s body language. You can create that feeling of bonding by slightly adjusting to your crush’s body language. For example if one of you is sitting with a laid back posture, you can gradually start to mimic it as you talk.
7. Move together: People who move together, such as dancing or walking, develop stronger bonds with each other.
8. Speaking into someone’s left ear or touching their forearm will make a person more willing to do something for you.

And the last and most important trick of all is to be yourself. You can certainly adjust your body language to help ease the tension in a social situation, but if your love interest isn’t responding to your attempts...move on. If it were as simple as following a few steps then no one would be hating or whining about having a crappy valentine’s day. The single people get sad that they aren’t dating and those in relationships wake up thinking the day will be magical and their unrealistic expectations end up setting them up for disappointment.

Regardless of how you spend February 14th, just remember to focus on giving as much love as possible to those around you and you’ll never be disappointed.

Happy loving and d-coding,

Darya 

P.S. you can now follow me on twitter for more tips @DaryaDen