Do you remember the last time you had an argument with someone?
The goal of every disagreement is to find a conclusion or a mutual understanding that both parties can live with. Getting to that conclusion can be very painful and exhausting. In a heated argument, it is easy to be 'in the moment' and use words that create more harm than good.
A few years ago, I learned a communication model that is simple enough to remember to forever understand why sometimes arguments just seem to escalate without a solution. The model teaches that when we speak to someone, we always play one of the following three roles - Parent, Child or Adult (the proper term for this theory is Berne's Transactional Analysis). Interestingly enough, if one person is acting like a Parent, the natural reaction is for the second one to enter the role of a Child. And vice-versa. Only when we have rational conversations within the Adult state does the other person match it with an Adult response.
In simple terms, the last thing you want is to communicate in such a way that places the other person into a Parent or Child role. In a single conversation, we often move between various states. In the last argument you remember, which of the below three descriptions fit you best?
Child
Physical Clues - emotionally sad expressions, despair, temper tantrums, whining voice, rolling eyes, shrugging shoulders, teasing, delight, laughter, speaking behind hand, raising hand to speak, squirming and giggling.
Verbal Clues - baby talk, I wish, I dunno, I want, I'm gonna, I don't care, oh no, not again, things never go right for me, worst day of my life, bigger, biggest, best, many superlatives, words to impress.
Parent
Physical Clues - angry or impatient body-language and expressions, finger-pointing, patronizing gestures,
Verbal Clues - always, never, for once and for all, judgmental words, critical words, patronizing language, posturing language.
Adult
Physical Clues - attentive, interested, straight-forward, tilted head, non-threatening and non-threatened.
Verbal Clues - why, what, how, who, where and when, how much, in what way, comparative expressions, reasoned statements, true, false, probably, possibly, I think, I realize, I see, I believe, in my opinion." (Source: Alan Chapman)
When having serious discussions, the goal is to stay in the adult state for as long as possible.
Honestly though, we are all human and it's not like I've never had an argument since I learned this theory. However, I did make three simple rules for myself that I try to remember when I want to have a serious discussion with someone.
D-Code's Top 3 Rules of Better Communication
1. Never say "never" or "always" because then the argument immediately becomes about the person trying to prove you wrong as opposed to the solution i.e. "You are always late" ends up with your friend angrily coming up with examples on when they were on time instead of the main issue at hand.
2. Avoid "baby talk" and stop using words such as "I wish" "I dunno" "I don't care" - If you don't care, you wouldn't have started the discussion to begin with. Stop lying about it. We are not stupid.
3. Be Specific - if there is a behaviour that you don't like, clearly explain it to the person - "It really upset me when you didn't put away the groceries". My absolute pet peeve are people who don't bother explaining things with an egocentric belief that if the person really cared for them, they would know what upsets them. Someone caring for you doesn't make them your mind reader. You know what's a real true test of someone caring? Them listening to your specific and honest remarks and trying to reduce that behaviour in the future. Which kind of makes me think of this comic:
There is a story of a father struggling to get his child out of bed each morning by using common phrases such as "You'll be late" and "Stop sleeping". One day, trying to use the Adult instead of the Parent approach, the father walked into his son's bedroom and asked him: "When did you want to wake up today?" This adult question startled the child and he immediately took responsibility for his prompt arrival to school.
And that, is the magic of effective communication.
Do you have any other great communication tips to share? Please comment or tweet them @daryaden27.
Happy D-Coding,
Darya
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