Do You Need a Hug?

This September I had a chance to go on an East Coast Canada Road Trip with some friends (another excuse I can use for not posting for so long!). One sunny Saturday afternoon, we were strolling around various neighborhoods in Halifax and walked by a man who was begging for money. Not thinking much of it, I was ready to walk right by, when my friend (let's call him James) sat down right beside him in the middle of the street. He gave him some change and then said these beautiful words "Apart from my financial contribution, is it OK if I also contribute my time and just talk to you?". The man agreed and I sat on the pavement right beside James and the homeless man. We spent almost an hour listening to him speak. He broke down in tears several times throughout our conversation. He told us about the many struggles of prison, drugs and broken family he endured. Then James asked him a simple question "When was the last time you had a hug?". After getting the man's permission, he gave him one big, long and sincere hug. I could see that our new friend become more at ease immediately. By the end of the conversation, he was even making some jokes! 

Our lives can feel overwhelming and complicated, but sometimes all it takes is a very simple gesture like a hug to a friend (or a stranger, if you are feeling brave) that will make everything seem a bit more bearable.

That afternoon, James and I talked some more about hugs. Apparently there is a difference between a "full-body belly hug" and the one where you just lean forward and only the top parts of your body lightly press against the other person. Turns out, I was unconsciously doing the latter with most people in my life. I never even knew about the existence of a belly hug!  When was the last time you gave someone a "full-body belly hug"? Do you think the people you hug feel that your hugs are genuine?

This unusual incident in Halifax made me think more about how I use my body to communicate with others. Turns out, that it's not just handshakes that can affect the impressions people have of us. (Read: "What's in a handshake?" ). 

This week, I encourage you to be the person that helps someone feel just a little more hopeful than before you shared your time with them. Besides, the cooler weather is always a great reason to share a warm drink and to hug just a little tighter.

Happy D-coding,

Darya

P.S. Follow me on twitter @DaryaDen for more body language and communication tips

How Steve Jobs' Body Language Helped Him Succeed

Having read the biography earlier this year, I rushed to the theaters to watch "Jobs" yesterday. Although the movie hasn't been getting the best reviews, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I was happy to see Ashton Kutcher embrace the character of Steve Jobs as well as he did. The movie really underlines that Apple is what it is due to Jobs' strong personality. Whether you love or hate his management style, there are things to be learned.

Steve Jobs appeared to have a strong sense of how far he is able to push other people in order to get what he wants when negotiating (albeit, that did eventually get him fired from Apple). From all the people I've heard of, Jobs strikes me most as someone who has a very strong presence and influence on people. I've come up with a quick list of what unique qualities he had that contributed to his success:

1. Stare Intensely - Steve Jobs was known to stare at people without blinking when he wanted to get his way. The people who have encountered it first-hand say that the look was so strong that you wouldn't dare disagree with Jobs during that stare. The focus he had influenced others to focus on the things he cared about as well. I'm not saying to stare people down to the point of severe discomfort, but it's clear that strong eye contact is very important when you are trying to influence someone.

2. Meetings while walking - Many of the key conversations Jobs had with people occurred while taking a walk. This was done for more than just enjoying the scenery. It brought efficiency. When we sit around in a meeting, we get comfortable and tend to get sidetracked or distracted from the decision we need to make. Next time you need to make a difficult decision or are facing a deadline, try having everyone stand up during the meeting. You will be amazed at how much quicker everyone will get to the point when thinking on their feet. Literally.

3. Attention to Detail - Aside from being a perfectionist about Apple products, Jobs was also very detail-oriented in all his public speaking engagements. He would hire people to edit his speeches for product launches and would practice delivering them for hours. Even the entire stage lighting had to be rebuilt once before a presentation when Jobs felt it wasn't 100% perfect. His self-discipline is what set Apple apart from the competition. What we say and how we say it matters if we want it to make an impact. If Steve Jobs didn't take his speeches lightly, neither should you be careless when presenting an idea that's important to you. (Read more presentation tips here)

Fun Fact: In the movie, Steve Jobs barely has any furniture in his house. This is very accurate because he had a very difficult time picking furnishings. He thought almost all furniture being sold was "too ugly" of a design to be in his home.

I hope the list helps you think more about whether or not you are a negative or positive influence on people through the way you carry yourself. But please, don't have a tantrum and get yourself fired in the process.

Happy D-Coding,

Darya

P.S. "Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication." - Steve Jobs

Body Language is Everywhere

I had a chance to visit Washington D.C. a few weeks ago and when I walked into one of the museums, I was greeted by this sculpture of an elephant:

 With the following description:

Body language really is everywhere. I bet animals interpret it much better than we do because they are not distracted by words like humans are.

Happy D-Coding,

Darya

P.S. Let me know if you recognize this museum... I can't remember the name.

All It Takes is a (Fake) Smile: Body Language Life Hacks

Recently I’ve come across the term “life hack” a lot. It seems like it has gone viral. We love life hacks because they sound like an easy way to accomplish something that would otherwise be difficult. Whether it’s on how to keep your stuff organized or how to increase your productivity with simple changes, we crave these shortcuts (mostly, because we are all naturally lazy and want to live the most awesome lives with minimal effort).

What people often don’t realize is that body language can provide “life hacks” to improving our mood or changing how we perceive certain things. Let’s face it, no matter how well things are going, we are still going to have off days. Unfortunately, we can’t always call in sick and spend the day in bed until we are ready to face the unjust world again. Instead, I encourage you to try these next time you are feeling blue:

1.       Smile – even when you don’t feel like smiling, the muscles involved in making a smile will trigger happy memories in your brain and your fake smile might actually make you happier than you expect.

If you don’t believe me, try going to a Laughter Yoga Class. I went to one in Toronto and it was incredible. The concept of laughter yoga is to laugh – without anyone being funny or telling jokes. It takes the smiling motion to the next level, and you know what? It actually works. We are programmed to think that in order to laugh we have to be amused. However, laughing without a reason can provide just as much of a mood booster as listening to a good stand-up comedian.

In the spirit of wedding season and other summer photo opportunities, here’s a hack on how to fake a genuine smile. Everyone on Facebook  will now believe that you really ARE having a great time on your rainy weekend camping trip:

(Read more about the power of smiling in one of my previous articles)

2.       Dress Up:  It’s been proven that when feeling under the weather, taking some extra time to put on those fancy shoes or an ironed out dress shirt will make you feel more confident to face the day. If you have  a phone interview, dress up for it anyway. Your posture, thoughts and tone of voice will be more professional when you are dressed up than when you are taking the call in your pyjamas on the couch. Think Lady Gaga.  How much of her persona is defined by her outfits?

3.       Right-hand, left-hand: A university study has revealed that a right-handed person perceives things on their right-hand side more positively than those on their left. If you are interviewing for a job, being on the more dominant side of the interviewer can potentially help you leave a better impression. The good-news is that this preference is not fixed. If you are right-handed and perform a few everyday tasks with your non-dominant side, your perception of the world will become more favourable on the side that performed the tasks. Mind-blowing finding? I thought so.

You see, sometimes all it takes is a fake laugh or a peek through the window with a different side to feel a little better. May you always have the energy to turn things around J

Happy D-coding,

Darya

Sources:

A really cool list of life hacks I found- 100 Life Hacks That Make Life Easier

“Insights: Right-Hand Man”. Psychology Today. Aug 2012. 16. Print.

Crossed Arms and Other Bad Body Language Habits

A few days ago, I was preparing for a presentation with my team. We started practicing our slides in front of each other and noticed that every single one of us had something that we do when we get nervous. One person bites their nails, another guy scratches his face and I play with my hair. I am grateful that we were comfortable with pointing out these gestures to each other.

The next day, I decided to put my hair up in a bun to prevent me from playing with it. I presented in front of my colleague and she said that although my hair was up, I still found a loose strand and reached for it. The craziest part is that I don’t recall doing any of this while I presented. Some of our body movements become so habitual that our brain ceases to pay attention to them, but that doesn’t mean that others don’t notice.

It’s  important to avoid gestures that might result in distracting someone from what you are saying or give a negative perception of you. You don’t need to be a decoding expert to interpret bad body language habits. Are you victim to any of these common ones?

1. Crossed Arms – often associated with being defensive. The arm-gripping gesture may occur if a person is feeling insecure or nervous. It is a form of self-hugging for comfort (i.e. can be seen in doctors’ office waiting rooms). When I’ve noticed a friend of mine doing it, she denied that it has anything to do with being defensive and said she was just comfortable. While it is still a possibility, sometimes the body gestures that feel most comfortable to us are a reflection of an internal state that we are not even aware of yet ourselves. Avoid this gesture and try to have open body language when communicating with others. (Unless of course you are cold.  In that case, hug yourself as much as needed)

2. Looking Down – Can be interpreted as boredom or slight arrogance. I’ve noticed that a person who is feeling shy in a particular social setting may feel uncomfortable making eye contact. Although they don’t actually have bad intentions, others tend to interpret it as something negative.

3. Time checking – the ultimate sign of disinterest. Avoid checking the time when speaking to someone unless they asked you what time it is.

4. Fidgeting – just like my bad hair-playing presentation habit, it’s distracting. Any kind of unnecessary movement will take away attention from what you are trying to communicate.

5. Multi-tasking – In the current state of technology, I should’ve put this as number one. There is nothing more annoying than when a friend takes out their phone to text...or worse..check Facebook or other social media during dinner. You might consider yourself a multi-tasking world champion but others don’t care about how good you are at it. It’s just rude. Give them the uninterrupted attention they deserve and they will only respect you more for it. You can update your Facebook status on your way to the bathroom.

     As a self-awareness exercise, you can ask your friends if you have any particular “ticks” or body movements that they have observed in you. Make sure that none of your gestures are distracting or result in others forming a negative opinion of you.

Happy D-coding,

Darya

learning deception from a three-year-old

A friend of mine showed me this video a little while ago. If you haven't already seen it, it's worth a watch just because kids are usually best at not being able to hide their body language even if they are trying. Note how John looks away from the camera several times when repeating the lie, but gets better at eye contact throughout the video. As we are older, we get better at keeping eye contact when lying, and that's why a lie is often associated with more eye contact than usual.

 The best line is "it's not empty". I'm sure everyone has had a moment of being caught in a lie and trying to reason on a technicality. Whether you were 3 or 33.

Read my full article on clues to deception here.

Not All Smiles are Created Equal

Which of these two smiles looks more genuine? 

                                    A.                                                   B.

One of the first things I noticed when I immigrated to Canada is how much Canadians smile. Not only do they smile, nearly everyone's smile reveals perfect teeth. North Americans are willing to spend thousands of dollars on orthodontics because smiling is just so darn important here. Wearing braces is something that has become part of teenage life. Almost like a rite-of-passage.  

Given how heavily perfect teeth and smiling are valued, without a doubt smiling is often associated with like ability and openness. This is true all around the world. However, not all smiles are created equal.

Since smiling is such a popular part of communication, we are most comfortable concealing negative emotions with a smile.

The answer to the first question is A. The genuine smile is one that engages the whole face. It's usually reflected in the eyes tightening around the eyes, that's where the saying "smiling with your eyes" comes from. You can see more crow's feet wrinkles around my eyes in A than in B. Generally, a longer, more intense smile indicates a genuine one.

Here are some examples of most commonly used smiles with explanations of the true emotions they are communicating:

1. Fear Smile - a fear emotion (as can be seen from the slightly raised eyebrows) is combined with a rectangular stretch of the risorious muscle pulling the lips horizontally to the ears. This sometimes tilts the lips upward, making them resemble a smile.

2. Contempt smile - tightened lip corners, slight angling and a bit of a dimple can confuse someone into thinking it's a smile

3. Dampened smile - Used when someone feels very positive emotions but tries to reduce their appearance. Lips are more pressed and lip corners are pulled down..but the smile still shows through.

4. Sad smile - follows a negative emotion and is usually asymmetrical

5. Seductive smile - head is tilted, eyes are softened and looking out of the corner of the eyes

Turns out that smiling doesn't only communicate happiness and appreciation. The trick is to pay attention to the upper part of the face in addition to the mouth in order to interpret what the smile is really saying.

Now you can even take Facebook stalking to the next level by trying to interpret what kinds of smiles your friends have.

Happy D-coding,

Darya

Sources:

Ekman, Paul. Telling Lies: Clues to Deceit in the Marketplace, Politics, and Marriage. W.W. Norton & Company, © 2001. New York, N.Y.
 

The Sydney Morning Herald. The face value of a smile. Oct 2010 <http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/the-face-value-of-a-smile-20101022-16wp5.html>