Angela Merkel's Hands: Body Language as a Personal Brand

I've recently learned that the Prime Minister (Chancellor) of Germany, Angela Merkel, has a hand gesture known as the "Merkel Diamond". It is so widely recognized in the world that it was even a logo for one of her political campaigns. 

source: blogspot

Merkel says the hand gesture came to be when she was struggling to find what to do with her hands in public situations (The Guardian). Margaret Thatcher also had a similar issue and was told to carry a handbag. But it's not just politicians that struggle with this. Many of us have struggled with what I like to call "hand-awkwardness'. It's most evident to me when I have to pose for photos (Do you ever feel like "hand on hip" is just not the appropriate gesture for a certain photograph?).

In body language terms, the "Merkel Diamond" is a hand gesture that communicates confidence. Interestingly, it has an additional meaning during conversations. If the gesture is done simultaneously with positive body language signals, it means the person is confident about what they is being told. If it's used with negative gestures, the person is confident that they disagree with you.

In my opinion, Merkel's Diamond is a lot more effective than Thatcher's use of the handbag. Covering your body with objects can make you be perceived as a closed individual and reduce your rapport. That's why while sitting in a coffee shop with someone, it's best to put your coffee cup to the side and not directly in front of you so it doesn't create a barrier.

There is a reason why Merkel was on the most powerful people list several times. Attention to detail in body language plays an important role in your personal brand. It's not uncommon for public figures to go through extensive body language training.

Merkel's Political Campaign

What do you do with your hands in awkward situations? Do you have a go-to gesture? Please don't say you cross your arms. (You can read my bad habits article on why).

Happy D-Coding,

Darya

Top 3 Articles of 2013

I've reviewed my blog stats for the year and here are the most popular articles that I've posted. (They are actually my favourites as well!)

1) How To Win your Crush Over: The Body Language of Attraction

2) Crossed Arms and Other Bad Body Language Habits

3) Words That Destroy Conversations (And You've Probably Used Them Today)

I'd like to sincerely thank you for reading my blog. This year I've learned lots on the subject of body language and have lots more I'd like to share with you in 2014. Seeing people interested in a subject I'm so passionate about has made this one of my funnest learning adventures.

You can follow me on twitter @DaryaDen for more frequent tips.

Happy New Year!

And of course...

Happy D-Coding,

Darya

Body Language in Customer Service

To escape the snowy Toronto December I took a trip to Cayo Coco, Cuba. Everything about the resort we stayed at was absolutely beautiful, but the most touching were the people serving us. One day as we were entering the buffet for lunch they were all lined up with their arms across their chest. (I managed to snap this photo as I was walking).

I'm not sure if it was the sappy live music playing in the background but I was extremely touched seeing them all lined up with hands over their hearts.  It was an amazing example of body language that really warmed the heart. It made them look very sincere. With a simple gesture, without saying anything - they greeted us and communicated readiness to make our stay the best one possible through their service.

This got me thinking about body language in customer service. Imagine if employees were trained out of bad body language habits  (Read: my bad body language habits article) and practiced more open body language. This would make crowded December malls seem more bearable. Customers would walk out of stores feeling like they were cared for - and may not even know why! 

Happy D-Coding,

Darya

P.S. I post lots of fun facts and tips on my twitter account. Follow me @DaryaDen27

Words That Destroy Conversations (And You've Probably Used Them Today)

Do you remember the last time you had an argument with someone? 

The goal of every disagreement is to find a conclusion or a mutual understanding that both parties can live with. Getting to that conclusion can be very painful and exhausting. In a heated argument, it is easy to be 'in the moment' and use words that create more harm than good.

A few years ago, I learned a communication model that is simple enough to remember to forever understand why sometimes arguments just seem to escalate without a solution. The model teaches that when we speak to someone, we always play one of the following three roles - Parent, Child or Adult (the proper term for this theory is Berne's Transactional Analysis). Interestingly enough, if one person is acting like a Parent, the natural reaction is for the second one to enter the role of a Child. And vice-versa. Only when we have rational conversations within the Adult state does the other person match it with an Adult response.

In simple terms, the last thing you want is to communicate in such a way that places the other person into a Parent or Child role.  In a single conversation, we often move between various states. In the last argument you remember, which of the below three descriptions fit you best?

Child

 Physical Clues - emotionally sad expressions, despair, temper tantrums, whining voice, rolling eyes, shrugging shoulders, teasing, delight, laughter, speaking behind hand, raising hand to speak, squirming and giggling.

Verbal Clues - baby talk, I wish, I dunno, I want, I'm gonna, I don't care, oh no, not again, things never go right for me, worst day of my life, bigger, biggest, best, many superlatives, words to impress.

Parent

Physical Clues - angry or impatient body-language and expressions, finger-pointing, patronizing gestures,

Verbal Clues - always, never, for once and for all, judgmental words, critical words, patronizing language, posturing language.

Adult

Physical Clues - attentive, interested, straight-forward, tilted head, non-threatening and non-threatened.

Verbal Clues - why, what, how, who, where and when, how much, in what way, comparative expressions, reasoned statements, true, false, probably, possibly, I think, I realize, I see, I believe, in my opinion." (Source: Alan Chapman)

When having serious discussions, the goal is to stay in the adult state for as long as possible.

Honestly though, we are all human and it's not like I've never had an argument since I learned this theory. However, I did make three simple rules for myself that I try to remember when I want to have a serious discussion with someone.

D-Code's Top 3 Rules of Better Communication

1. Never say "never" or "always" because then the argument immediately becomes about the person trying to prove you wrong as opposed to the solution i.e. "You are always late" ends up with your friend angrily coming up with examples on when they were on time instead of the main issue at hand.

2. Avoid "baby talk" and stop using words such as "I wish" "I dunno" "I don't care" - If you don't care, you wouldn't have started the discussion to begin with. Stop lying about it. We are not stupid. 

3.  Be Specific - if there is a behaviour that you don't like, clearly explain it to the person - "It really upset me when you didn't put away the groceries". My absolute pet peeve are people who don't bother explaining things with an egocentric belief that if the person really cared for them, they would know what upsets them. Someone caring for you doesn't make them your mind reader. You know what's a real true test of someone caring? Them listening to your specific and honest remarks and trying to reduce that behaviour in the future. Which kind of makes me think of this comic:

There is a story of a father struggling to get his child out of bed each morning by using common phrases such as "You'll be late" and  "Stop sleeping". One day, trying to use the Adult instead of the Parent approach, the father walked into his son's bedroom and asked him: "When did you want to wake up today?" This  adult question startled the child and he immediately took responsibility for his prompt arrival to school. 

And that, is the magic of effective communication.

Do you have any other great communication tips to share? Please comment or tweet them @daryaden27.

Happy D-Coding,

Darya

Movember Special: How Women Judge Men's Hair

In perfect timing for Movember, I came across a study that found how women judge the same man differently based on the amount of head and facial hair he has. Here are the results: 

Source: Psychology Today: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201308/chart-when-bald-is-best

Happy D-Coding,

Darya

Do You Need a Hug?

This September I had a chance to go on an East Coast Canada Road Trip with some friends (another excuse I can use for not posting for so long!). One sunny Saturday afternoon, we were strolling around various neighborhoods in Halifax and walked by a man who was begging for money. Not thinking much of it, I was ready to walk right by, when my friend (let's call him James) sat down right beside him in the middle of the street. He gave him some change and then said these beautiful words "Apart from my financial contribution, is it OK if I also contribute my time and just talk to you?". The man agreed and I sat on the pavement right beside James and the homeless man. We spent almost an hour listening to him speak. He broke down in tears several times throughout our conversation. He told us about the many struggles of prison, drugs and broken family he endured. Then James asked him a simple question "When was the last time you had a hug?". After getting the man's permission, he gave him one big, long and sincere hug. I could see that our new friend become more at ease immediately. By the end of the conversation, he was even making some jokes! 

Our lives can feel overwhelming and complicated, but sometimes all it takes is a very simple gesture like a hug to a friend (or a stranger, if you are feeling brave) that will make everything seem a bit more bearable.

That afternoon, James and I talked some more about hugs. Apparently there is a difference between a "full-body belly hug" and the one where you just lean forward and only the top parts of your body lightly press against the other person. Turns out, I was unconsciously doing the latter with most people in my life. I never even knew about the existence of a belly hug!  When was the last time you gave someone a "full-body belly hug"? Do you think the people you hug feel that your hugs are genuine?

This unusual incident in Halifax made me think more about how I use my body to communicate with others. Turns out, that it's not just handshakes that can affect the impressions people have of us. (Read: "What's in a handshake?" ). 

This week, I encourage you to be the person that helps someone feel just a little more hopeful than before you shared your time with them. Besides, the cooler weather is always a great reason to share a warm drink and to hug just a little tighter.

Happy D-coding,

Darya

P.S. Follow me on twitter @DaryaDen for more body language and communication tips

How Steve Jobs' Body Language Helped Him Succeed

Having read the biography earlier this year, I rushed to the theaters to watch "Jobs" yesterday. Although the movie hasn't been getting the best reviews, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I was happy to see Ashton Kutcher embrace the character of Steve Jobs as well as he did. The movie really underlines that Apple is what it is due to Jobs' strong personality. Whether you love or hate his management style, there are things to be learned.

Steve Jobs appeared to have a strong sense of how far he is able to push other people in order to get what he wants when negotiating (albeit, that did eventually get him fired from Apple). From all the people I've heard of, Jobs strikes me most as someone who has a very strong presence and influence on people. I've come up with a quick list of what unique qualities he had that contributed to his success:

1. Stare Intensely - Steve Jobs was known to stare at people without blinking when he wanted to get his way. The people who have encountered it first-hand say that the look was so strong that you wouldn't dare disagree with Jobs during that stare. The focus he had influenced others to focus on the things he cared about as well. I'm not saying to stare people down to the point of severe discomfort, but it's clear that strong eye contact is very important when you are trying to influence someone.

2. Meetings while walking - Many of the key conversations Jobs had with people occurred while taking a walk. This was done for more than just enjoying the scenery. It brought efficiency. When we sit around in a meeting, we get comfortable and tend to get sidetracked or distracted from the decision we need to make. Next time you need to make a difficult decision or are facing a deadline, try having everyone stand up during the meeting. You will be amazed at how much quicker everyone will get to the point when thinking on their feet. Literally.

3. Attention to Detail - Aside from being a perfectionist about Apple products, Jobs was also very detail-oriented in all his public speaking engagements. He would hire people to edit his speeches for product launches and would practice delivering them for hours. Even the entire stage lighting had to be rebuilt once before a presentation when Jobs felt it wasn't 100% perfect. His self-discipline is what set Apple apart from the competition. What we say and how we say it matters if we want it to make an impact. If Steve Jobs didn't take his speeches lightly, neither should you be careless when presenting an idea that's important to you. (Read more presentation tips here)

Fun Fact: In the movie, Steve Jobs barely has any furniture in his house. This is very accurate because he had a very difficult time picking furnishings. He thought almost all furniture being sold was "too ugly" of a design to be in his home.

I hope the list helps you think more about whether or not you are a negative or positive influence on people through the way you carry yourself. But please, don't have a tantrum and get yourself fired in the process.

Happy D-Coding,

Darya

P.S. "Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication." - Steve Jobs