I'd like to sincerely thank you for reading my blog. This year I've learned lots on the subject of body language and have lots more I'd like to share with you in 2014. Seeing people interested in a subject I'm so passionate about has made this one of my funnest learning adventures.
You can follow me on twitter @DaryaDen for more frequent tips.
To escape the snowy Toronto December I took a trip to Cayo Coco, Cuba. Everything about the resort we stayed at was absolutely beautiful, but the most touching were the people serving us. One day as we were entering the buffet for lunch they were all lined up with their arms across their chest. (I managed to snap this photo as I was walking).
I'm not sure if it was the sappy live music playing in the background but I was extremely touched seeing them all lined up with hands over their hearts. It was an amazing example of body language that really warmed the heart. It made them look very sincere. With a simple gesture, without saying anything - they greeted us and communicated readiness to make our stay the best one possible through their service.
This got me thinking about body language in customer service. Imagine if employees were trained out of bad body language habits (Read: my bad body language habits article) and practiced more open body language. This would make crowded December malls seem more bearable. Customers would walk out of stores feeling like they were cared for - and may not even know why!
Happy D-Coding,
Darya
P.S. I post lots of fun facts and tips on my twitter account. Follow me @DaryaDen27
Do you remember the last time you had an argument with someone?
The goal of every disagreement is to find a conclusion or a mutual understanding that both parties can live with. Getting to that conclusion can be very painful and exhausting. In a heated argument, it is easy to be 'in the moment' and use words that create more harm than good.
A few years ago, I learned a communication model that is simple enough to remember to forever understand why sometimes arguments just seem to escalate without a solution. The model teaches that when we speak to someone, we always play one of the following three roles - Parent, Child or Adult (the proper term for this theory is Berne's Transactional Analysis). Interestingly enough, if one person is acting like a Parent, the natural reaction is for the second one to enter the role of a Child. And vice-versa. Only when we have rational conversations within the Adult state does the other person match it with an Adult response.
In simple terms, the last thing you want is to communicate in such a way that places the other person into a Parent or Child role. In a single conversation, we often move between various states. In the last argument you remember, which of the below three descriptions fit you best?
Child
Physical Clues - emotionally sad expressions, despair, temper tantrums, whining voice, rolling eyes, shrugging shoulders, teasing, delight, laughter, speaking behind hand, raising hand to speak, squirming and giggling.
Verbal Clues - baby talk, I wish, I dunno, I want, I'm gonna, I don't care, oh no, not again, things never go right for me, worst day of my life, bigger, biggest, best, many superlatives, words to impress.
Parent
Physical Clues - angry or impatient body-language and expressions, finger-pointing, patronizing gestures,
Verbal Clues - always, never, for once and for all, judgmental words, critical words, patronizing language, posturing language.
Verbal Clues - why, what, how, who, where and when, how much, in what way, comparative expressions, reasoned statements, true, false, probably, possibly, I think, I realize, I see, I believe, in my opinion." (Source: Alan Chapman)
When having serious discussions, the goal is to stay in the adult state for as long as possible.
Honestly though, we are all human and it's not like I've never had an argument since I learned this theory. However, I did make three simple rules for myself that I try to remember when I want to have a serious discussion with someone.
D-Code's Top 3 Rules of Better Communication
1. Never say "never" or "always" becausethen the argument immediately becomes about the person trying to prove you wrong as opposed to the solution i.e. "You are always late" ends up with your friend angrily coming up with examples on when they were on time instead of the main issue at hand.
2. Avoid "baby talk" and stop using words such as "I wish" "I dunno" "I don't care" - If you don't care, you wouldn't have started the discussion to begin with. Stop lying about it. We are not stupid.
3. Be Specific - if there is a behaviour that you don't like, clearly explain it to the person - "It really upset me when you didn't put away the groceries". My absolute pet peeve are people who don't bother explaining things with an egocentric belief that if the person really cared for them, they would know what upsets them. Someone caring for you doesn't make them your mind reader. You know what's a real true test of someone caring? Them listening to your specific and honest remarks and trying to reduce that behaviour in the future. Which kind of makes me think of this comic:
There is a story of a father struggling to get his child out of bed each morning by using common phrases such as "You'll be late" and "Stop sleeping". One day, trying to use the Adult instead of the Parent approach, the father walked into his son's bedroom and asked him: "When did you want to wake up today?" This adult question startled the child and he immediately took responsibility for his prompt arrival to school.
And that, is the magic of effective communication.
Do you have any other great communication tips to share? Please comment or tweet them @daryaden27.
In perfect timing for Movember, I came across a study that found how women judge the same man differently based on the amount of head and facial hair he has. Here are the results:
This September I had a chance to go on an East Coast Canada Road Trip with some friends (another excuse I can use for not posting for so long!). One sunny Saturday afternoon, we were strolling around various neighborhoods in Halifax and walked by a man who was begging for money. Not thinking much of it, I was ready to walk right by, when my friend (let's call him James) sat down right beside him in the middle of the street. He gave him some change and then said these beautiful words "Apart from my financial contribution, is it OK if I also contribute my time and just talk to you?". The man agreed and I sat on the pavement right beside James and the homeless man. We spent almost an hour listening to him speak. He broke down in tears several times throughout our conversation. He told us about the many struggles of prison, drugs and broken family he endured. Then James asked him a simple question "When was the last time you had a hug?". After getting the man's permission, he gave him one big, long and sincere hug. I could see that our new friend become more at ease immediately. By the end of the conversation, he was even making some jokes!
Our lives can feel overwhelming and complicated, but sometimes all it takes is a very simple gesture like a hug to a friend (or a stranger, if you are feeling brave) that will make everything seem a bit more bearable.
That afternoon, James and I talked some more about hugs. Apparently there is a difference between a "full-body belly hug" and the one where you just lean forward and only the top parts of your body lightly press against the other person. Turns out, I was unconsciously doing the latter with most people in my life. I never even knew about the existence of a belly hug! When was the last time you gave someone a "full-body belly hug"? Do you think the people you hug feel that your hugs are genuine?
This unusual incident in Halifax made me think more about how I use my body to communicate with others. Turns out, that it's not just handshakes that can affect the impressions people have of us. (Read: "What's in a handshake?" ).
This week, I encourage you to be the person that helps someone feel just a little more hopeful than before you shared your time with them. Besides, the cooler weather is always a great reason to share a warm drink and to hug just a little tighter.
Happy D-coding,
Darya
P.S. Follow me on twitter @DaryaDen for more body language and communication tips
Having read the biography earlier this year, I rushed to the theaters to watch "Jobs" yesterday. Although the movie hasn't been getting the best reviews, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I was happy to see Ashton Kutcher embrace the character of Steve Jobs as well as he did. The movie really underlines that Apple is what it is due to Jobs' strong personality. Whether you love or hate his management style, there are things to be learned.
Steve Jobs appeared to have a strong sense of how far he is able to push other people in order to get what he wants when negotiating (albeit, that did eventually get him fired from Apple). From all the people I've heard of, Jobs strikes me most as someone who has a very strong presence and influence on people. I've come up with a quick list of what unique qualities he had that contributed to his success:
1. Stare Intensely - Steve Jobs was known to stare at people without blinking when he wanted to get his way. The people who have encountered it first-hand say that the look was so strong that you wouldn't dare disagree with Jobs during that stare. The focus he had influenced others to focus on the things he cared about as well. I'm not saying to stare people down to the point of severe discomfort, but it's clear that strong eye contact is very important when you are trying to influence someone.
2. Meetings while walking - Many of the key conversations Jobs had with people occurred while taking a walk. This was done for more than just enjoying the scenery. It brought efficiency. When we sit around in a meeting, we get comfortable and tend to get sidetracked or distracted from the decision we need to make. Next time you need to make a difficult decision or are facing a deadline, try having everyone stand up during the meeting. You will be amazed at how much quicker everyone will get to the point when thinking on their feet. Literally.
3. Attention to Detail - Aside from being a perfectionist about Apple products, Jobs was also very detail-oriented in all his public speaking engagements. He would hire people to edit his speeches for product launches and would practice delivering them for hours. Even the entire stage lighting had to be rebuilt once before a presentation when Jobs felt it wasn't 100% perfect. His self-discipline is what set Apple apart from the competition. What we say and how we say it matters if we want it to make an impact. If Steve Jobs didn't take his speeches lightly, neither should you be careless when presenting an idea that's important to you. (Read more presentation tips here)
Fun Fact: In the movie, Steve Jobs barely has any furniture in his house. This is very accurate because he had a very difficult time picking furnishings. He thought almost all furniture being sold was "too ugly" of a design to be in his home.
I hope the list helps you think more about whether or not you are a negative or positive influence on people through the way you carry yourself. But please, don't have a tantrum and get yourself fired in the process.
Happy D-Coding,
Darya
P.S. "Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication." - Steve Jobs
Recently I’ve come across the term “life hack” a lot. It
seems like it has gone viral. We love life hacks because they sound like an
easy way to accomplish something that would otherwise be difficult. Whether
it’s on how to keep your stuff organized or how to increase your productivity
with simple changes, we crave these shortcuts (mostly, because we are all naturally lazy and want to live the most awesome lives with minimal effort).
What people often don’t realize is that body language
can provide “life hacks” to improving our mood or changing how we perceive
certain things. Let’s face it, no matter how well things are going, we are
still going to have off days. Unfortunately, we can’t always call in sick and
spend the day in bed until we are ready to face the unjust world again.
Instead, I encourage you to try these next time you are feeling blue:
1.Smile
– even when you don’t feel like smiling, the muscles involved in making a smile
will trigger happy memories in your brain and your fake smile might actually
make you happier than you expect.
If you don’t believe me, try going to a Laughter Yoga Class.
I went to one in Toronto and it was incredible. The concept of laughter yoga is to laugh – without anyone
being funny or telling jokes. It takes the smiling motion to the next level,
and you know what? It actually works. We are programmed to think that in order
to laugh we have to be amused. However, laughing without a reason can provide
just as much of a mood booster as listening to a good stand-up comedian.
In the spirit of wedding season and other summer photo
opportunities, here’s a hack on how to fake a genuine smile. Everyone on
Facebook will now believe that you really ARE having a great time on your rainy weekend
camping trip:
(Read more about the power of smiling in one of my previous articles)
2.Dress Up: It’s been proven that when feeling under the
weather, taking some extra time to put on those fancy shoes or an ironed out
dress shirt will make you feel more confident to face the day. If you have a phone interview, dress up for it anyway.
Your posture, thoughts and tone of voice will be more professional when you are
dressed up than when you are taking the call in your pyjamas on the couch.
Think Lady Gaga. How much of her persona
is defined by her outfits?
3.Right-hand,
left-hand: A university study has revealed that a right-handed person
perceives things on their right-hand side more positively than those on their
left. If you are interviewing for a job, being on the more dominant side of the
interviewer can potentially help you leave a better impression. The good-news
is that this preference is not fixed. If you are right-handed and perform a few
everyday tasks with your non-dominant side, your perception of the world will
become more favourable on the side that performed the tasks. Mind-blowing
finding? I thought so.
You see, sometimes all it takes is a fake laugh or a peek
through the window with a different side to feel a little better. May you
always have the energy to turn things around J
A few days
ago, I was preparing for a presentation with my team. We started practicing our
slides in front of each other and noticed that every single one of us had
something that we do when we get nervous. One person bites their nails, another
guy scratches his face and I play with my hair. I am grateful that we were
comfortable with pointing out these gestures to each other.
The next day,
I decided to put my hair up in a bun to prevent me from playing with it. I presented
in front of my colleague and she said that although my hair was up, I still
found a loose strand and reached for it. The craziest part is that I don’t
recall doing any of this while I presented. Some of our body movements become
so habitual that our brain ceases to pay attention to them, but that doesn’t
mean that others don’t notice.
It’s important to avoid gestures that might result
in distracting someone from what you are saying or give a negative perception
of you. You don’t need to be a decoding expert to interpret bad body language
habits. Are you victim to any of these common ones?
1. Crossed Arms – often associated with
being defensive. The arm-gripping gesture may occur if a person is feeling
insecure or nervous. It is a form of self-hugging for comfort (i.e. can be seen
in doctors’ office waiting rooms). When I’ve noticed a friend of mine doing it,
she denied that it has anything to do with being defensive and said she was
just comfortable. While it is still a possibility, sometimes the body gestures
that feel most comfortable to us are a reflection of an internal state that we
are not even aware of yet ourselves. Avoid this gesture and try to have open
body language when communicating with others. (Unless of course you are
cold.In that case, hug yourself as much
as needed)
2. Looking Down – Can be interpreted as
boredom or slight arrogance. I’ve noticed that a person who is feeling shy in a
particular social setting may feel uncomfortable making eye contact. Although
they don’t actually have bad intentions, others tend to interpret it as
something negative.
3.Time checking – the ultimate sign of
disinterest. Avoid checking the time when speaking to someone unless they asked
you what time it is.
4. Fidgeting – just like my bad
hair-playing presentation habit, it’s distracting. Any kind of unnecessary
movement will take away attention from what you are trying to communicate.
5. Multi-tasking – In the current state of
technology, I should’ve put this as number one. There is nothing more annoying than
when a friend takes out their phone to text...or worse..check Facebook or other
social media during dinner. You might consider yourself a multi-tasking world
champion but others don’t care about how good you are at it. It’s just rude.
Give them the uninterrupted attention they deserve and they will only respect
you more for it. You can update your Facebook status on your way to the bathroom.
As a self-awareness exercise, you
can ask your friends if you have any particular “ticks” or body movements that they
have observed in you. Make sure that none of your gestures are distracting or result
in others forming a negative opinion of you.
A friend of mine showed me this video a little while ago. If you haven't already seen it, it's worth a watch just because kids are usually best at not being able to hide their body language even if they are trying. Note how John looks away from the camera several times when repeating the lie, but gets better at eye contact throughout the video. As we are older, we get better at keeping eye contact when lying, and that's why a lie is often associated with more eye contact than usual.
The best line is "it's not empty". I'm sure everyone has had a moment of being caught in a lie and trying to reason on a technicality. Whether you were 3 or 33.
One of the first things I noticed when I immigrated to Canada is how much Canadians smile. Not only do they smile, nearly everyone's smile reveals perfect teeth. North Americans are willing to spend thousands of dollars on orthodontics because smiling is just so darn important here. Wearing braces is something that has become part of teenage life. Almost like a rite-of-passage.
Given how heavily perfect teeth and smiling are valued, without a doubt smiling is often associated with like ability and openness. This is true all around the world. However, not all smiles are created equal.
Since smiling is such a popular part of communication, we are most comfortable concealing negative emotions with a smile.
The answer to the first question is A. The genuine smile is one that engages the whole face. It's usually reflected in the eyes tightening around the eyes, that's where the saying "smiling with your eyes" comes from. You can see more crow's feet wrinkles around my eyes in A than in B. Generally, a longer, more intense smile indicates a genuine one.
Here are some examples of most commonly used smiles with explanations of the true emotions they are communicating:
1. Fear Smile - a fear emotion (as can be seen from the slightly raised eyebrows) is combined with a rectangular stretch of the risorious muscle pulling the lips horizontally to the ears. This sometimes tilts the lips upward, making them resemble a smile.
2. Contempt smile - tightened lip corners, slight angling and a bit of a dimple can confuse someone into thinking it's a smile
3. Dampened smile - Used when someone feels very positive emotions but tries to reduce their appearance. Lips are more pressed and lip corners are pulled down..but the smile still shows through.
4. Sad smile - follows a negative emotion and is usually asymmetrical
5. Seductive smile - head is tilted, eyes are softened and looking out of the corner of the eyes
Turns out that smiling doesn't only communicate happiness and appreciation. The trick is to pay attention to the upper part of the face in addition to the mouth in order to interpret what the smile is really saying.
Now you can even take Facebook stalking to the next level by trying to interpret what kinds of smiles your friends have.
I came across a great article today about career body language mistakes that go from handshakes (which I've already covered in detail) to nodding too much. Check it out for a great summary of body gestures that we often overlook that speak volumes about us to others.
My favourite tip was how women often tend to "over condense" their bodies by crossing their legs and keeping their elbows on their sides. High status men tend to do the opposite, and as a result women subconsciously communicate low confidence and status in professional environments.
How many handshakes do you give in day? A month? A year? A
handshake can say a lot more about you than you think. Ever wonder where the
saying “having the upper hand” comes from? This month I’ve been looking into
what kind of “power” messages various handshakes communicate.
Most people tend to forget how important it is to make the
right impression with a handshake. A handshake can guide someone in making a
conclusion about your personality, what kind of status you hold or how much
power you have.
Some of the best examples of how important a handshake is
when demonstrating power can be drawn from politicians. Here is an amazing four-minute
video clip that shows several politicians adjusting their body language in
order to have the “upper hand” in a handshake and to demonstrate their power. My
favourite one is Hilary Clinton’s “not-so-subtle” photo preparation manoeuvre.
The Basic Power Rules
of a Handshake:
1.The hand that is on top usually has the power.
2.Tapping the person on the back while you shake
their hand re-establishes your power once again.
3.The last person through a door usually has the
power (often seen in politics).
4.If taking a photo of you shaking hands with
someone, you need to be on their right side to “have the upper hand”.
How To Shift the
Power of a Handshake:
If you see someone else having “the upper hand” while
shaking hands with you, there are several things you can do to change the
situation.
1.If you see someone reaching out for a handshake
with their palm facing down, use the “step-to-the-right” technique. Step
forward with your left foot (this might feel unnatural and needs practice,
since 90% of people step with their right foot first), then step forward with
your right foot, then bring your left foot to where your right foot is. As you
are doing this, you will be able to turn the handshake vertically and establish
power through being closer to the other person’s personal space.
2.If this is someone that you are closer with, you
can put your second palm on top of their palm to re-establish power.
3.If you are being dominated in a handshake and
don’t want to, you can try to create equality by turning the other persons hand
vertically so that their hand is no longer on top of yours. (You need to judge
the situation because it might come off as too aggressive).
Handshake Mistakes:
People don’t usually think all that much about what their
handshake says about them. I hope you don’t recognize your own handshake in
this list. If you do, now you know how to fix it.
1.The “wet fish” – a handshake without any grip
that can be associated with weak character
2.The “bone crasher” – a handshake so firm it
imprints marks in your finger bones. Negatively associated with a dominant
personality.
3.The “Finger- Tip Grab” – if someone accidentally
shakes hands this way with you, casually say something like “let’s do that
again” and give them a full handshake. This shows the person that you respect them
enough to give them a proper handshake.
It’s amazing how much can be communicated in just a couple
of seconds. May yours handshake always say about you exactly what you want it
to.
Happy D-coding,
Darya
Source: Pease, Allan
and Barbara. The Definitive Book of Body Language. Bantam Dell, New York, New
York. 2004
With the increase of companies paying people to give them positive reviews in social media, I thought this would be quite handy. This example is helpful in determining whether or not a review is authentic.
In celebration of Valentine’s Day I thought I’d do a post
about attraction. What is it that makes certain people more likeable than
others?
Through some research I was able to compile a list of things
that naturally attract us to other people. Even if you already have a significant
other, these tips are sure to reduce awkwardness in social situations:
The Power
of Touch: studies show that people become more comfortable around those
that they come into body contact with. It could be as simple as brushing them
with your left hand while shakingtheir right
hand, or by brushing hands with them while passing them an object.(Don't abuse this if you don't want to be seen as a creeper)
Open Body
Language: this includes avoiding crossing your arms and facing the person
you are communicating with.
Don’t use
objects to block your body: To appear more open and welcoming during a
conversation avoid clutching your purse in front of you or keeping a coffee cup
in front of you at a coffee date. Try keeping it on the side so that your torso
is open toward the person you are speaking to.
Get your
crush to do a favour for you: You know from yourself that when you do
something nice for someone it makes you feel good. Psychologically, it makes
you like the person you are doing the favour for (within limits of course)
because you think “wow, this someone must be really special to me because I am
spending time helping them”. Make your crush feel the same way.
Laugh and
smile: Studies show that women laugh more with men they’re attracted to and
men are attracted to women who laugh at their jokes. Men are more attracted to
women who smile.
Mirror
the body language: When people get to know each other better, they tend to
start mimicking each other’s body language. You can create that feeling of
bonding by slightly adjusting to your crush’s body language. For example if one
of you is sitting with a laid back posture, you can gradually start to mimic it
as you talk.
Move
together: People who move together, such as dancing or walking, develop
stronger bonds with each other.
Speaking
into someone’s left ear or touching their forearm will make a person more
willing to do something for you.
And the last and most important trick of all is to be
yourself. You can certainly adjust your body language to help ease the tension
in a social situation, but if your love interest isn’t responding to your
attempts...move on. If it were as simple as following a few steps then no one would be hating or whining about having a crappy valentine’s day. The single people get sad that they aren’t dating and those in relationships wake up thinking the day will be magical and their unrealistic expectations end up setting them up for disappointment.
Regardless of how you spend February 14th, just
remember to focus on giving as much love as possible to those around you and
you’ll never be disappointed.
Happy loving and d-coding,
Darya
P.S. you can now follow me on twitter for more tips @DaryaDen
Grade 12 was a year in my life when I was “coming out of my
shell”. All the university applications were due and in order to have something
useful to add to them, I’ve had to get out of my comfort zone and actually take
risks – such as run for president of a
charity club I was part of and do some public speaking.
Since I’m a big book nerd, during that time period I have
read more self-help books than any sane person would admit to. But as they say
“In order to become wise you only need to
read 10 books, but to find those 10 you need to read hundreds”. And so one
particular self help book I read 6 years ago, is still definitely in my top 10
books list.
“How To Talk to Anyone” is basically a list of things we can
do to please people and avoid awkward social situations. I don’t know how the
author does it but somehow many of those tricks stuck with me right away. To
save you all some time, I’ve compiled a list of some of my favourite ones here.
I bet you will be nodding that you would really appreciate it if someone showed
this type of social etiquette while interacting with you.
Pretend that every new person that you meet is an
old friend of yours (your body language will naturally change as you greet
them) – who doesn’t love a warm greeting?
After a compliment, thank them back with another
compliment: "That was insightful, you are very kind"
Sound like a boss when trying to get an admin to
connect you with someone."Hi, Darya here. Is she in?" refer to
person you are calling as he/she, him/her. This will create the illusion
that you are close with whoever you are trying to reach, maybe increasing
the chances of you getting through.
Overlook their
bloopers – if someone spills their wine, don’t draw attention to it ..just
silently pass them a napkin and continue the conversation without interruptions
Whenever someone’s
story interrupted, let the interruption take over, but then go back to their
story. – I can always relate to that awkward feeling of whether or not I should
finish my story. If it happens to someone else, make sure you let them finish
Let them savor
the favor – people feel good about doing nice things, repay them, but not right
away “tit for-wait-wait-tat”
Before
speaking, let them empty their tanks first – if you want someone’s full
attention, make sure you hear everything they have to say first and then go
into your story.
Lead the listeners (be the first to applaud or
encore etc) – make the presenter feel more confident by supporting them
first
Limit the fidget – it will make whatever you say
sound more sincere.
Have a good posture (this is my forever-failing
new year’s resolution L)
The actual book has many more tips, you can find it here.
Since I’m very much into the art of communicating without
using words (although I get it’s really hard..since we suck at communicating
with words too...I’ll blog about that later) this article was a neat read. It’s
written by a woman who observed animals being trained and then used the same
techniques on her husband...and they worked!
Here are some quick pointers:
My Favorite: if your partner does something that you like, PRAISE THEM! We don’t do this enough in our relationships. Humans are all about silently being happy and voicing when we are annoyed. In the English dictionary, we have more negative verbs than positive ones. Just like an animal trainer gives treats for performing a trick...so should we praise people when they do something nice for us. If someone isn’t calling you as often as you’d like, why not tell them you appreciate it when they do call next time you are on the phone with them instead of saying “you don’t care enough about me” or something along those lines.
If your partner does something negative, ignore
it...(this means don’t even say it annoys you) Eventually the negative
behaviour stops if it doesn't get acknowledged
DISCLAIMER: this works for naggy little
annoyances...if this is a bigger issue, you better communicate it (respectfully)
with words
The other day I was looking
through some holiday photos that a friend of mine posted on Facebook. She
attended a party with her boyfriend. The the last time I spoke with her, they
were having some issues and constant fighting. I thought I’d use the photos of
the two of them as a way to try and read into whether or not they got past
their issues and went back to being a happy couple. As I was clicking through
the album I spotted some group shots where they weren’t standing beside each other.
In others, his arm wasn’t around her and vice versa. There was even a photo where
her torso seemed to be facing away from his as the two of them were posing for
a picture. Body language jackpot! I was convinced they didn’t resolve their
issue.
A few days later I saw my dear
friend and to my big surprise I found out that they had overcome their fight
and actually felt a lot closer to each other before and during the party. So
what went wrong? I thought I was following the books!
I became my own example of
observer bias. Since I have a personal relationship
with my friend and had a background story of the fight she had with her boyfriend,
I was unconsciously looking at the photos with a negative mindset.
Just as people hearing what they want to
hear...so do we see what we want to see.
If there was no observation bias,
most of us would be body language experts. However we are all subject to it.
And unfortunately we hold the most observation bias with the people we are
closest to and they happen to be the same ones whom we want to better
understand through non-verbal communication.
If I was a neutral party observing the holiday photos I’d probably
notice how the couple actually had quite a few photos of them together, both of
them were smiling and other positive
indicators.
So here are some disclaimers when
trying to read people:
Always try and have an open mind. Beware of any
pre-conceived notions you have about that person
Compare it to their general behaviour. If
someone has a habit of crossing their arms, if you are having an argument them
crossing their arms might actually not be an indicator of something defensive
going
It's hard to analyze the body language of a
stranger because you don’t have a base of mannerisms to compare it against (aka
someone shy might actually not make a lot of eye contact...but that doesn’t
mean they are a liar)
Always try and find a combination of non-verbal
signs that are not contradictory before making a conclusion of what that person
is secretly communicating.
Don’t isolate a single body movement to make a
decision. Look at the whole picture. Is my friend having a bad today? Or is she
actually mad that I didn’t reply to her text fast enough?
And here is a photo of me in
Montreal covering my face from the strong cold wind. But if you didn’t know
that, maybe you’d think I’m covering my face in shame after becoming victim of
observation bias.
